Here’s the major occupational hazard with being a blogger who writes about her life: I have to write about my life.
So here goes.
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I could post pictures about my recent vacation that look like this:
And would you think my life was grand and my children were perfect and we never had any problems, but you would be wrong.
So, though this is a real picture from our recent vacation, you won’t see me in it or in most of our other pictures.
I may have been at the beach, but God had in me in the depths.
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It was about five weeks ago when, with fear and trepidation, I wrote something in my journal that I wouldn’t normally share. Today, I need to.
“Lord, I want to be so confident in who you are that I never question what you’re doing in my life. I want to be able to say, “God do whatever it takes to draw me closer to you,” and not feel fear. You are my daddy, and I know you will do nothing to me or to my family that is not done out of love. I want to be quiet and at peace in your presence. Still me, Lord.”
About four weeks ago, I felt led to take the entire month of July off from the blog. I didn’t really want to. It seemed a bit excessive and I might lose readers. But the sense was strong, and I asked you then to take it off with me. Feast on God, I said. See that He is good.
Then, about three weeks ago, while in Florida (where I have often wondered if there is ever a bad day), we had a bad day. Several, in fact.
Tucked away in my womb had been the fourth child we had prayed for but hadn’t yet made public. But instead of getting to call friends and family to tell them of our happy secret, that happy secret was now whispered quietly just before the blow:
We were pregnant, but we lost the baby.
Early miscarriages are not uncommon nor are they much more than a speck on the radar of world news-worthy tragedies or hardships. I hesitate to share this even, knowing the massive pain that people around the globe are facing as I type. One woman’s miscarriage seems insignificant in the grand scheme.
But it happened, and it leaves behind a quiet kind of awful. Miscarriages are rarely discussed outside of close, hushed circles, and probably for good reason. No one wants to think about them.
Except their mamas.
The grief was real and deep and the worst I have ever felt, coming in heaving waves, in and out like the tides. One moment I was okay, the next sobbing into Josh’s shoulder.
Our baby. We lost our precious baby.
All of this, set to the quiet soundtrack of waves crashing and vacationers laughing on the beach.
And I remembered my journal entry. I had asked God to still me before Him.
I was still.
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In the midst of all this, I sat in the church we visit each summer. I suspect I made a scene, sobbing through the worship. Even blatantly not standing, despite the worship pastor’s instructions. (I hate being rebellious, but Josh said it was okay.)
Josh sat with me (because he likes being rebellious), and I cried. Boy, did I cry.
I cried because I was sad, yes, but not only that. I cried because I saw myself in the other worshippers around me, and I wondered if they knew what I knew now.
One week before, I had praised and raised my hands just like them. Life was good (we were on vacation!) and so was God. Worship was easy.
This week (we were still on vacation) but life was awful and singing, at that moment, was impossible. But at least now I finally knew, and the knowing made me weep.
Did they know?
All that wonderful stuff we sing when life feels blessed—about how good God is and how He holds us in the storms and how His love and peace and grace are sufficient even in the awful places—did they know?
Do you know?
(I wish I could shout this.)
IT IS TRUE.
This was taken early in our vacation, and is the one piece of photo evidence that I was, in fact, at the beach with my family.
Friends, I have never in my life known the depth of peace and joy that I have felt since those awful days three weeks ago.
God has stilled and quieted me as I asked. He has been kind and merciful in ways I never could have anticipated. He has proven himself to be trustworthy, altogether good and full of love. As hard as this has been, God has held me in a place so close to Him that I never want to go back.
And if that verse I quote so often is true and sons really are “a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him,” then my baby, my precious child, is no less of a blessing to Josh and I than our children who are living with us on this earth. That baby, who will never know the pain inherent in this life, is waiting for us in Heaven. Safe in Jesus’ arms. A reward that we will enjoy for all of eternity. Praise God.
Look, my friends. Please don’t miss it.
Look what God has done:
“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” (Psalm 30:11-12, exclamation point mine.)
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God has shown me that His character is true to His Word. When and how has He shown you?
God bless you, Hannah! I printed off the last portion of your last blog post asking us to “Seek God in His Word.” “Feed yourself with Him.” “Feast on God.” Psalms 34:8. I have it posted next to my computer in my office. I have been asking God to show me who He really is, not just who I think He is. He is doing that. He revealed more about Himself to me this morning as I read your blog. Thank you for allowing God to use you to reach out to others.
Thank you, LeAnn. I am so thankful that God can use these times in my life to encourage others. It goes to show that we don’t have to be famous or super-talented for God to use us and work through us. So be used, friend, however that looks in your life. 🙂 Thanks again.
Thank you for sharing your heart again through your blog. You have a sweet and precious little one whom is know only to God right now. But one day that will change in Eternity! We never can totally know what God allows us to experience such pain. I do know that you have opened your heart to sitting besides (like Josh did for you) and cry along side someone who has expericed a miscarriage like you did. When we share the same hurt, we can offer our arms as comfort to tell another, I understand. I have walked that walk. You are and have been a blessed to my heart! I’m still praying for you, Hannah! God is smiling down at you,and saying “That’s my child, she using her pain to comfort others!” Thank you for not hiding in your pain, but sharing in the comfort that God gave you so that you can be a comfort to others!
Thank you so much for your prayers, Annette. God has certainly gifted you an encourager and a powerful prayer warrior, just like your mother. 🙂 I’m glad you’re on my side. Thank you again. Much love.
Thank you for lifting the veil and sharing your heart break and God’s faithfulness. This morning I was encouraged by Chamber’s writings and because your post is such a beautiful example of what he is talking about, I’ll paste it here:
What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the idle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me.
God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now…If we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.
Blessings of deep comfort.
Thank you, Ginger. What a beautiful passage. To think of each moment of obedience as precious…oh my goodness, wouldn’t I like to be there. That is such a (good) challenge. Thanks for these words.
Hannah, my heart is breaking for you. I’ve suffered two miscarriages. I still cry. Often. I wish I handled it with the faith and grace that you have. I didn’t. I was hurt and angry. Even though I was angry at God, even though I questioned him, even though I distanced myself he still loved me! He has forgiven me. His love is unconditional and I know he has a perfect plan for me. I Will Carry You by Selah is a great song. If you ever need a friend to talk to, you can talk to me. Sending you lots of love and prayers!
Crystal, thank you for sharing this with me. I have had so much to learn through this process, and certainly it has not all been pretty. You’re right, thank goodness for God’s patience and love! I am so sorry you have had to go through this twice.
As I get older, I am finally understanding that longing for heaven that people have. I didn’t get it as a kid or a teenager or even a few years ago. But now I know. This life cannot compare with what’s to come. It’s going to be good, and our precious babies will get to be with us forever. What a blessing that we can look forward to it!
Thank you again.
This one made me cry. Happy tears and then sad tears. Praise God. He is faithful. It is possible to be in pain and still to trust him and praise him. One of my favorite songs is Blessed Be Your Name. Job and had it right.
But if I’d known about your pain at the time, I’d have given you this Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer.
Oh my Sally, talk about happy sad tears. I hadn’t heard the second song before. Wow. So good. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Hannah for using this painful experience for us as well to show how God works in our lives. I pray others will accept God and see how much He loves them and helps them through this journey of life.
Me too, Mom. 🙂 Thanks for all you’ve done throughout. I’m glad you were there with me.
Prayers,hugs,and love to you sweet friend.
Thank you, Cindy. That means a lot. 🙂
Love you friend!You have and continue to show me God’s love in your faithfulness to him. Thank you for being courageous enough to share a piece of your heart that is raw and real.
And I probably couldn’t have made it without you talking me through it. Thank goodness for the verbal processors in my life. 🙂 Love you too.
Thank you so much for sharing your pain with us and what God is doing through it. You said that you hesitated to write about something that is nothing compared to the suffering in the world, but I’m so glad you did. There are many women who have had miscarriages just like you, but as you said, are rarely discussed. It takes someone willing to talk about it to help others realize they are not alone in their grief. I also have a child in Heaven–my miscarried child would have been my firstborn. I remember the grief. I grieve with you, my friend.
I’m also on this computer so that I can write my own blog about God wanting me to give everything. What you wrote in your journal was very similar to what I’ve been saying to God the last several weeks. What encouragement it is to me that even if He calls me to the hardest after I prayed my prayer to Him, that He will fill me with peace as He did with you, as He did with me in the past. Thank you for writing.
Heather, I’m sorry you had to go through this too.
It’s strange that though life will move on and we will all carry on, I still feel like I will think about this baby every day. She will always be my fourth child, and I wonder if that will seem strange to people. What do you think? I’ve wondered even how to address it when people ask me how many kids I have. Will I say, “Three here and one in heaven”? Or do I just not mention her, so as not to make other people feel sad too?
It’s amazing the bond that you can form with a baby only a few weeks in the womb. So it seems wrong not to mention him or her. I’m just not sure what to do…
And maybe this is all too personal to discuss over the comments section anyway. 🙂
Thanks to you too, Heather.
[…] Hannah C. Hall writes, “All that wonderful stuff we sing when life feels blessed—about how good God is and how He holds us in the storms and how His love and peace and grace are sufficient even in the awful places…it is true.” […]
Oh, Hannah you have been blessed!! your are an amazing writer who can put it so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. He shows me daily by given me his grace daily to make it through the day. I know what you mean when you say the pain is real and deep. praising God when everything is good is easy, when thing are not going well it’s hard at times to praise him. Yet our praises are deeper, we need him more than ever, We know that he is the only one who can get us through it and he is the only one who can see our deepest pain replace it with his love. Turn our brokenness into something beautiful. God showers us with his blessings daily we just have to take the time to be still so we can see them. They don’t all look like we think they should look. They are all perfect blessings because its apart of His perfect plan.
Andrea, you understand God’s grace and blessings at a deeper level than most people I know. You life is a testimony to the truth that “God is good to those whose hope is in him” (Lam 3:25). His blessings don’t always look the way we expect, but they are still beautiful. And believe me, friend, that beauty shows through you. Thank you. I’m honored that you read this blog.