When the Soul Starves…

To set the stage: Edy was four, and would have looked about like this:

JPH_3185

It was bedtime. She was upstairs and already tucked in, but called down to us in the kitchen and so began the following conversation:

Edy: “Daddy?”

Josh: “Yes?”

Edy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Josh: “Yes.”

Edy: “My towel is still up here.”

Josh: “That’s not a question, Edy.”

Edy: “I don’t feel so good.”

Josh: “Ok. What do you feel like?”

(Pause for dramatic emphasis.)

Edy: “I feel disappointed.”

~

I don’t think we ever actually heard why she was “disappointed.”  

But we did have a good laugh.

The girl knows how to stall at bedtime.

Nice try, kiddo, but your tricks ain’t workin’ on us.

~

I’m a bit unsure how to start off this week, except to just get straight to the point.

I’m taking July off from the blog.

I know what you’re thinking…didn’t you just do that a few weeks ago?

And you would be right. I did.

But something is rumbling around in me that I can’t put away until I deal with it properly.

The thing is, and you may not know this, but I am an excellent faker.

Surprised?

That’s because I was faking.

See, I told you I was good.

~

I stopped writing for years after college because I had so disgusted myself. 

I had been in and around church and churchy-words enough and could speak Bible-talk so fluently that my senior year I was assigned a weekly column in my Christian college newspaper.

I got to dribble on about any old thing I wanted, and you can bet I did.  I knew the right things to say and how to say them so that all five or six people that actually read that column (that number includes my parents and my editor) might seriously get the impression that I was some kind of Christian.  

Unfortunately, God and I knew the truth.

I was a fake, and we both hated it.

Rather than deal appropriately with what the Holy Spirit was convicting me on in my life, I ran away from writing.

I would not write again until I could be real.

God and I had some work to do.

~

So I think I have been stalling in my own spiritual life.

Yes, the things I write on this blog are absolutely true, and I am so grateful that God gives me words to say and, for some crazy reason, people who will read them. He has definitely been at work.

But in the process of pursing this writing business, I have been busier than I meant to be and more distracted than I realized.

I am putting off the work that my own soul needs, and it needs more Jesus.

I want to be so full of Him that what I write on this blog and how I speak to my children and the way I minister to my husband comes from the overflow of Jesus in my life, not from the scrapings on the bottom of the barrel.

I don’t want to just say the right things. Nothing fake. No tricks. No churchy-words.

I want to know the Truth and believe it with every ounce of me.

I want to hear when He speaks and move when He calls.

I am hungry for Jesus, and I need to take this month to get filled up again.

Will you take it with me?

~

Let’s do this. 

Seek God in His Word. Intentionally spend time with Him everyday. Memorize a verse. Pray continually.

Feed yourself with Him.

Wake up every morning ready to die so that you can finally live.

It’s hard, but, dadgum, if our souls aren’t worth it.

~

Who knows? Maybe this is blog suicide, or maybe I’ll miss it so much I’ll be back early. Either way, I promise I won’t be fake.

I won’t do that to myself again, and I sure don’t want to do it to you.

So forget this blog (for now), and feast on God.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” Psalms 34:8

 

What about you? Do you ever find yourself spiritually dry? What do you do to fill yourself up?

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12 Comments:


  1. Laura said:

    Boy, can I relate to “dry seasons.” For me, they creep in after a long spell of being “too busy”. I may still be reading my Bible and praying (usually quick, “Help me!” prayers), but I’m too busy to stop and enjoy God. I know that it is His desire to fill me up and keep me refreshed, but I don’t always put myself in the position to receive those things from Him. For me, simply coming to Him to enjoy His company and leaving behind my “list of needs” for a time allows me to receive from Him what I need the most–Himself. Kind of reminds me of your post about Mary and Martha. One thing is needful…. Enjoy your time away, Hannah. Praying for you!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thank you, Laura. Why is it so easy to get too busy? Like I was saying the other day, for me I know it has something to do with my desire to “impress” God with all my work and my quiet time and blah, blah, blah. I forget that He is already impressed with me, for some unfathomable reason. Thank goodness for His love. What would I do without it??

      Reply

  2. Andrea said:

    I can relate to “dry seasons” For me its during times of questioning God, tired of crying out for the same things time and time again just needing an answer. I spend a lot of time in prayer sometimes its just being on my knees in tears with no words that even come out. At times in the middle of my brokenness I feel like God is so far away. I understand that you need to take some time away. I will miss you. I enjoy reading your blogs. I too have had things I have had to walk away from for a season “face book” I find myself comparing myself to others and wishing that my life looked more like theirs and I know that is not healthy. The time I would be looking at others post on face book I am spending time in God’s word and in prayer. Supporting my husband as he get’s through this hard class he is teaching for the next 6 weeks. Enjoy your time away, Hanna, praying for you!!!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thank you for the prayers, Andrea. And I can sure relate to the Facebook thing (and e-mail, and blogging, etc.)

      It’s never healthy when I come away feeling bad about myself and my life after I look at other people’s Facebook feeds. That’s when I know I need a break- when I realize I’m seeking to validate my worth based on other people’s comments and “likes,” and when I forget that my life has already been fully validated by Christ. It’s still hard to get away though, and it’s always easy to come back and get re-addicted (at least for me anyway.)

      It will be interesting to see the down the road the full affects that social media is having on all of us. I suspect it’s not going to be all good.

      God’s call to rest is still so timeless and relevant, isn’t it? The Israelites needed to rest from their work, just as we need to rest from our Facebook feeds. The Living Word…it amazes me.

      Reply

  3. sally apokedak said:

    Yes, Even Jesus needed to take time away to pray. We all need to find time to be with God. To love him, and to be loved by him. To be filled.

    Good for you.

    The thing about faking it though, is that we are all fakers to some extent. We all preach to others what we know we need to preach to ourselves. We all write from our best moments and our best hopes and we talk about the things God taught us in our worst moments. And we all realize we fall far short of what we’re preaching. This is why so many writers say in their forewords, “I’m not actually pulling all this off. This is what I hope to be someday with some consistency not what I have already achieved.” And I think it is why Paul says what he wants to do he does not do but what he doesn’t want to do he does. (Rom 7)

    It’s good that you won’t settle for faking.

    But don’t stay away too long. If we all stopped writing or preaching because we were fakers there would be no more books or sermons or blog posts being made at all.

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Absolutely a good point, Sally. It always helps to remember that I’m not alone in this constant battle against my flesh. And, don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it. This blogging thing is a tad addictive. 🙂

      Reply

  4. Devi said:

    Hannah, I so relate to what you’ve shared here, and I’ve found walking away at the right times to be one of the most freeing things I’ve done. By the way, as that former editor, you should know you had a column in the paper because you were a great writer and thinker, not because of the Bible talk ;).

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Oh, Devi, you always had way more faith in me than I ever had, and I think that may have been about all that was keeping me in the writing game at that point. So, thank you, thank you. God was using you then, and you probably had no idea. 🙂

      Reply

  5. Heather Bock said:

    Hannah,

    I’m glad you’re letting it go for a little while in order to seek Him. I think I know what you’re talking about. I just recently read a book called Anything by Jennie Allen, and she’s helping me wake up. My time in prayer has been rote lately–I haven’t been engaging with Him like I need to be. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I want MORE of Him. I don’t want to settle for normal. I’ll be sure to pray for you!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thank you, Heather! I haven’t read Anything yet, but I actually just read Allen’s Restless, and it was so good and so convicting. It really got me to thinking about God’s purpose for me and how I don’t want to settle either. It was fantastic. Now I’ve got to read Anything. It’s on my list. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Pingback: You Can’t Force the Bloom | Ginger's Corner


    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Ginger!

      Reply

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