I’m Tired. That is All.

Since Nate came along, more than one person has asked me what it was like to have four. Their questions usually come out in almost-whispers, as if just IMG_20160124_130802voicing an interest in our bigger family might cause one or two more kids to pop up in their brood too.  So what’s it like? They ask. Is it crazy?

Crazy? Yes. (Usually.)

But it’s also wonderful.

Usually.

And absolutely worth it.

Usually.

And completely exhausting.

LIKE I’VE NEVER KNOWN BEFORE.

~

Despite his otherwise pleasant nature and chubby feet and delicious adorableness, Nate has singlehandedly drug things to a new low in the sleep department around our house. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, but I honestly caught myself falling asleep while standing late one night a few months ago, and just last week I woke up and discovered that I was nursing him in the rocking chair in the wee hours with absolutely no recollection of going into his room and picking him up and no clue how long I’d been in there. I am tired.

So just a day or so ago, when I woke up with brains that felt like mush and a headache that urged me to punch whoever was closest (Josh) in their unsuspecting face, I was not a happy Hannah. I’d witnessed far more hours go by the night before than one with an almost-ten-month-old should be seeing, and I was mad. This has gone on too long, my little Nate bug. Mommy is not going to make it. And for heaven’s sake, child, it’s a Monday.

~

I can’t do this.

And I couldn’t.  

I said it with one child and now I’m saying it with four. The circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same.

With newborn Edy I was drowning in the uncharted land of feedings and reflux and paranoia that she wasn’t getting enough and that I was a bad mommy because it didn’t come more naturally.

Now I wonder what kind of mom of four doesn’t know how to get a child to sleep at night? What kind of mom doesn’t realize it’s a tooth/dirty diaper/missing paci/growth spurt that’s causing him fits? What kind of mother let’s her child cry while she cries because she has no idea what to do?

Me. This kind. The kind that can’t do it on her own.

I went to take a picture to illustrate for you what a terrible sleeper he was...and he was asleep. Stinker.

I went to take a picture to illustrate for you what a terrible sleeper he was…and he was asleep. Stinker.

A sweet friend reminded me of 2 Peter 1:3 a few weeks ago. I was wailing about something else I simply couldn’t do and shouldn’t be expected to do, dadgummit, and she gently pointed me back to the Word (as any dear friend should do.)

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who has called us by his own glorious goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

His power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.

It’s like a big, flashing, ugly neon sign, it’s so obvious.

No, I can’t do it on my own, AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO.

(And neither are you!)

Through his kindness to us, Jesus will supply the power we need to not only live lives of godliness but also just to live life.

He’s our source for strength through the sticky and the sleepy and the whiney and the sick and the cantankerous and the unpleasant and the too-hard.

He’s going to supply everything we need to face what we’re facing, and face it well. (Without punching any unsuspecting family members in the face.)

And (did you catch this above?) all because of his own glorious goodness to us.

This is a merciful God we serve.

Ask him to take over today, and then trust to him to do it. He will.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

 

What are you trying to handle in your life? What are you ready to let him take over?

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12 Comments:


  1. Janet Surette said:

    Where was this last night around 9:00 when I was crying while doing dishes because I felt inadequate to parents my youngest! Thanks for the camaraderie and encouragement Hannah.

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      And here I am thinking your kids are perfect, Janet. Thanks for setting me straight. 🙂 And, of course, thanks for your sweet words.

      Reply

  2. Lindsey said:

    Up all night last night with Gus. #4. Fever. Restless. Shrieking. A little throwback to his newborn/infant days when he DID NOT SLEEP. We gave up and until he was 9 mo old he slept in a swing in our bedroom. Again, he’s my #4 🙂 They just get us when we think we’ve got it handled. Because God likes to remind me over and over HE’s got this handled. Thank you, friend. Needed this today!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      And Gus turned out alright, right?! I keep reminding myself that this is just a short season and that soon we’ll move to on to some other phase and forget all about this one. But it doesn’t feel very forgettable right now. Thanks for the encouragement. You survived; I will to. (I hope.)

      Reply

  3. sally apokedak said:

    It’s funny that we never seem to remember the lessons we learn–at least I don’t. Thanks for the reminder today. I no longer have small children, but I did learn with them that I was not in control. God had them in his hand. I was not the good mother I wanted to be. But in the end, God was able to overcome my inadequacies and my sins and bring my children to adulthood.

    So what am I trying to handle that I need to give over to God?

    Here I am today, much older, but not much wiser, than I was when I had small children. Then I said a hundred times a day, “I’m a terrible mother,” and now I say a hundred times a day, “I’m a terrible agent.”

    🙂 Yes, being an agent is much like being a mother, I think. Only I have dozens of children now. They don’t all cry and keep me awake, but often a couple are teething or bellyaching. 🙂

    I feel responsible for my clients’ sales or lack of sales. But the truth is that I AM a bad agent. I am a frail human. I fail every day. But God is able to make my clients’ careers grow if he sees fit. I can’t mess it up so that he fails to bless my clients with sales if he wants to bless them with sales. Just as my children thrived despite my many failings, my clients will also thrive despite me.

    Thanks for the reminder. And also thanks for always encouraging me and for paying for me (when you are awake and able to pray) and for not being colicky. If my clients are my brood, you are the responsible elder sibling.

    No, that is not meant to add more pressure to your already pressurize life. I give you permission to go take a nap. Leave the dishes in the sink, and leave the writing undone, and as soon as Nate falls asleep, go take a nap. 🙂 Love you, Hannah.

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      You’re not adding pressure, you’re adding perspective. If it’s not one area of my life I need to hand over, it will be another. Nate will eventually sleep, I know, but if I don’t learn this lesson now, God will give me another opportunity. :/

      And, just to clarify, you are not a terrible agent, ever, ever. I thank God every day for you, even if you don’t get me the the big sales. 🙂

      Reply

  4. Tara said:

    Thank you for this. I think, often, “how do I not do this better 6 kids in?” Sailor sleeps in my arms. If I leave the bed at night to go to the bathroom she pops awake as if she can’t live without me holding her. I have successfully transitioned babies out of my bedroom into their own room and crib by this age. Yet, here we are and most nights it is the yummiest way to sleep. I just feel like I should have this mommy business down to a science by now. My #4 was the wrench in my “I’m getting good at this” idea. I call her Sweet T and Coon-y. I slept on the couch with her until she was 15mos or so because my hubby wasn’t sleeping well with her fussing and needing me, etc. A pediatrician told me she was fully capable of sleeping through the night without breastfeeding and maybe I had been, basically, spoiling her. Oops. I was already almost midway into pregnancy #5…it had to be done. We set her up in the room solo and let her cry a bit. It worked. Well, each baby is different…says the mom who’s laying here feeding #6 to sleep in bed…part of it is because she would have to cry it out and the other girls are napping or they are supposed to be. Sooner or later I’ll try to sneak my arm out from under her and clean my perpetually destroyed home

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thank You for this, Tara. I think about you often when I’m asking myself, “Why 4?!?” You just seem to have it handled so well. It’s a good thing we can all be honest here. 🙂 And I’m glad I’m not the only one nursing my babe to sleep. It’s just easier…I think…

      Reply

  5. Laura said:

    Girl, you’re singing my song… Thanks for the sweet and much-needed reminder. Love ya!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      Thank you, sweet Laura. Praying, praying for you!

      Reply

  6. Heather Bock said:

    Hannah, I get this! Why don’t they want to sleep as much as we do? Why?? How can it be so hard? I guess it’s just another way, like you’re saying, to drive us to Jesus. I’m not dealing with a lack of sleep too much lately, but for other parenting reasons, I can do nothing but beg for His help. Thanks for writing through your fatigue!

    Reply

    1. Hannah Post author said:

      You’re right, Heather, if it’s not sleep issues, it will be something else. Parenting is too hard for me. What would I do without Jesus?? Thanks, friend, for reading and commenting.

      Reply

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